scatterbrain
My name is Ashley, I guess.
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'Caucasians' shirt satirizing Chief Wahoo becomes popular on Canadian Indian reservations

tcfkag:

I will pay one MILLION [imaginary] dollars to anyone who wears this shirt to a Cleveland Indians game and gets on tv or the big screen. Like bring a hot girl or cute kid, wait until the screen is showing you than POW, hilarity ensues.

3 hours ago // oh my godddddd - tcfkag + 20

lemongrabgoesplaces:

Life’s ain’t easy out in these plains

16 hours ago lemongrabgoesplaces + 843
3 days ago call-it-fate-call-it-karma + 9538

theanimalblog:

Fire reflected on birds in smoke - fire at Moerdijk, the Netherlands. (©Coen Robben)

Submitted by 7skeletons

3 days ago theanimalblog + 53829
4 days ago // tattoo - insidetoout + 7105

I apologize if your father or mother is a dentist, which is not to say I’m sorry for what I am saying, but that I’m sorry you’ve got a dentist for a parent.

americanfolkhero:

Now the dentist is the master of Guilt and the worst human being.

“How often do you floss?”

I don’t think anyone flosses. I’ve never seen anyone but my grandfather with his ceramic teeth floss. The dentist most likely seldom flosses. The dentist stares into your pineal gland and asks you if you floss, and of course the last time you flossed was last time you visited the dentist and he did it for you. So you say,

“Not as often as I ought to,”

Which of course means never.

Somehow the dentist expects you to floss. He must have cleaned, what, 32,000 teeth in his day and each time he asked how often they flossed he got teetering around the question, precarious tiptoe around confession. He has to know by now that it’s never going to happen. Every dentist is a sadist. He can tell the answer just by looking.He asks you because he knows what that question does to you. Makes you feel like wretch. Makes you shrink or melt and slip into the crack between the ass-seat and the back-board, on to the floor where the powerful vacuum hoses suck you up and filter you into fluoride swish.

“How often do you floss?”

It is the Perennial Guilt and it hits you in a lean-back chair. The dentist lords over you, you in the lean-back chair. You better floss, because if you don’t floss all your teeth are going to fall out. So on and so on.

4 days ago // i laughed a lot - americanfolkhero + 14
4 days ago // reference - vintageanchorbooks + 16773
4 days ago // tattoo - nsfw - insuh + 22050

aladylostinlove:

joelrich:

Big Dipper #tattoo #blackworkers #darkartists #blackwork #tattooartist #yvr #vancouver

perfect
4 days ago // tattoo - joelrich + 4516

xopachi:

skwinky:

lntruding:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.


UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

I always need this on my blog.

I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning. 

4 days ago // im fking crying - gyuys - medium.com + 103567